'There is no report.'

UPDATED

First, we learned that the long-awaited "Petraeus Report" on the status of the Iraq occupation would be written, not by Gen. David Petraeus, but by Bush aides in the White House.

Now, in a truly astonishing turn of events, we learn that the report will not be written by White House aides. It will not be written at all.

The Washington Times is reporting that there will be no written report presented to congress on the status of the occupation. There will be charts and there will be oral testimony, but there will be no report.

A senior military officer said there will be no written presentation to the president on security and stability in Iraq. "There is no report. It is an assessment provided by them by testimony," the officer said.

The only hard copy will be Gen. Petraeus' opening statement to Congress, scheduled for Monday, along with any charts he will use in explaining the results of the troop surge in Baghdad over the past several months.

That testimony will follow the meeting of the president, Gen. Petraeus and Mr. Crocker at the White House.

Gen. Petraeus is expected to tell the president the surge is working but that more work is needed. He is not expected to recommend withdrawing significant numbers of U.S. troops, as the U.S. troop presence is still needed to bolster the slowly growing Iraqi security forces' capabilities.

The picture presented by Mr. Crocker will be critical of the new Iraqi government for not doing more to foster political stability.

There is no report.

After months of expectations, it comes to this. There will be no written report on the status of the occupation. The long-awaited Petraeus Report turns out to be nothing more than another repetition of the same old talking point - we're makin' progress.

The Magical Month of September was never anything more than another delaying tactic. Bush is laughing all the way to January 20, 2009.

Meanwhile, the Democrats in congress still can't summon the courage to bring this nightmare to an end.

UPDATE

John Cole provides a preview of the - I'm really not sure what to call it - "presentation?" "Song and dance?" "Dog and pony show?"

1.) Petraeus will enter the room, and Joe Lieberman and several other moderate Democrats will faint when they see him in Class A’s with lots of ribbons and medals.

2.) Petraeus will offer a mixed report, citing temporary tactical advantage and listing points of progress. Lots of cheese charts with arrows pointing in the right direction, but little to no sourcing, will be on display.

3.) Lieberman, freshly revived from his initial fainting, hears Petraeus utter the words “our brave men and women in uniform,” and promptly passes out again.

4.) Petraeus mentions, in passing, that we are facing difficulties. Democrats fail to press him. The difficulties are not mentioned specifically, but in vague generalities.

5.) Petraeus states the situation is too tenuous to drawdown troops before fall of 2008.

6.) Lieberman is revived yet again, only to hear the phrase “Al Qaeda in Iraq,” and promptly falls to the ground in shock and horror. Ron Paul gives him the finger.

7.) Afterwards, numerous Blue Dog Democrats state to the media that the General was impressive, and has assured them that we are making progress, and, as such, they are reluctant to do anything.

8.) Republicans, when speaking to the press, state that this is clear proof we are winning, and evidence that we do not need to cut and run like some of the Democrats want.

9.) Lindsey Graham, John McCain, and John Warner all state how impressed they are, but note that they have some unspecfied concerns and that we need to proceed cautiously.

10.) Some cranky Democrat notes that there was no real information presented, and wants to have some hard data to compare to the numerous negative reports we have received from independent organizations. Michelle Malkin, Hugh Hewitt, NRO, and the Weekly Standard promptly call him a traitor. Malkin breaks out a cheerleader outfit. Michael O’Hanlon goes on Hardball and claims the GAO is the most corrupt organization in Washington.

11.) The rest of the media cover the story until about 7:45 EST, at which point it is learned that Lindsey Lohan may have smoked pot while in rehab. The Petraeus story dies.

12.) Seven more members of the military die.

Yeah, I could see it playing out exactly like that.