Wednesday, October 10, 2007

'Cosmo Carboni'

It is wonderful that Sylvester Stallone has become sensitized to the plight of the people of Myanmar. Good for him.

It is almost as noteworthy, however, that Stallone is filming a fourth movie in the First Blood/Rambo series.

In Thailand, a group of Christian aid workers recruit John Rambo to guide them up the Salween River to deliver medical supplies to the Karen tribe of neighboring Burma (aka Myanmar). When the missionaries fail to return, Rambo is persuaded to take a group of mercenaries back into the war-torn border region to find them. What follows is a descent into hell on earth.
The title of this masterpiece - John Rambo.

I'm sorry, but did I miss the part where the world started clamoring for elderly 1980s movie stars to begin cannibalizing their previous works to get their sagging visages back onto the silver screen? Remember it was just last year that Stallone appeared in the "Rocky V" sequel "Rocky Balboa." Sequels are nothing new, of course, but I'm starting to notice an unsettling pattern here.

I can hardly wait for the next few entries in Stallone's back-to-the-future comeback tour:

Lincoln Hawk - The arm-wrestling trucker from 1987's "Over the Top" is drawn out of retirement to defend his title against a hot-headed young upstart (Josh Hartnett) who declares to his sleazebag manager/promoter, "you ain't the best until you beat the best!" At the end of act one, Hawk, who needs the money to pay for his son's stint in drug rehab, faces off against the challenger in an event broadcast on pay-per-view. The rest of the film unfolds as Hawk, assisted by a beautiful young physical therapist (Solange Knowles), struggles to regain partial use of his right arm.

Det. Sgt. Deke DaSilva - Stallone's DaSilva coaxes his old partner, Det. Sgt. Matthew Fox (Billy Dee Williams) out of a retirement home to help him stop Wulfgar (Rutger Hauer), the international terrorist villain from 1981's "Nighthawks." Wulfgar, assisted by his international terrorist son Wulfbain (Ben Affleck), plans to blow up the Olympics. After a breathtaking chase across three continents, the bad guys are snatched up by the CIA at the end of act two and shipped off to Guantanamo where the film veers from harmless entertainment into post-modern tragedy. Wulfgar and Wulfbain are deprived of sleep, subjected to loud recordings of screaming babies for days at a time, and forced to wear women's underwear on their heads. The look of the movie makes a jarring switch from film to poorly-lit videotape, with every scene shot by what appears to be a wall-mounted security camera. The audience is left to wonder if Hauer and Affleck are acting, or if they are indeed being subjected to "enhanced interrogation techniques." DaSilva and Fox are flown to Washington, D.C. where a menacing Dick Cheney (Robert Duvall) warns them that if they ever reveal the whereabouts of the father-and-son terrorists, they will have the pleasure of joining them at "Club Gitmo." The weary, chastened detectives slink back to the retirement home and spend the rest of their days playing checkers and watching Maury.

Subway Thug #1 - They said it would never happen. Stallone teams up with Woody Allen for the long-awaited sequel to the 1971 comedy classic "Bananas."