Thursday, October 19, 2006

Secret Transcript of Bush conversation with Kim Jong Il

The October issue of American Potentate magazine has a fascinating transcript of a phone call between President Bush and Kim Jong Il, of North Korea.

The obvious surprise is the ease with which the two relate to each other. This is the same Kim Jong Il whom Bush has previously described as a loathesome pygmy. The "pygmy" reference actually appears in the transcript of the phone call, but in a far different context than when it was reported several years ago by Newsweek.

Ordinarily, American Potentate can be counted on to present Bush in the most favorable light possible. This article would be an anomaly, except for the fact that Bush worshippers will likely buy into the implication of author Jack Schidt that the transcript shows the president "getting over" on North Korea and the Democrats in one "master stroke."

The transcript:

    BUSH: Yo, Kim Jong!

    KIM: Bush?

    BUSH: Who ya think? How's things in Prong Wrong?

    KIM: "Pyongyang."

    BUSH: Whatever. How's it hangin'?

    KIM: Funny you ask. I getting blowjob right now!

    BUSH: Yeah? He any good at it?

    KIM: You should know. It's your brother, Neil.

    BUSH: Yeah, you ain't half jokin', hoss.

    KIM: What? What you say?

    BUSH: Nothin'.

    KIM: No, what you say?

    BUSH: Nothin'. Forget it. Listen, ya little pygmy sumbitch, I need a solid.

    KIM: Uh, oh. What you do now?

    BUSH: It's nothin' I did. It's that fat bag of hammers, Hastert. Sumbitch got me sweatin' a gay sex scandal in congress.

    KIM: What? You and Hastert have gay sexual congress? But, he's so fat!

    BUSH: No! That ain't what I said. Hastert's got the party caught up in a gay sex scandal. With boys! Jerkwad looked the other way while some congressman from Florida was gettin' his swerve on with some of the boy House pages.

    KIM: Foley?

    BUSH: Uh... yeah. How'd you guess?

    KIM: Don't ask.

    BUSH: No, seriously.

    KIM: He come with Cheney and Rumsfeld that time, when we make deal for reactor parts.

    BUSH: I... what was that?

    KIM: What?

    BUSH: "Reactor parts?"

    KIM: I no say "reactor parts."

    BUSH: Yeah, you did. You said, "Cheney," "Rumsfeld," and "reactor parts."

    KIM: No, you misunderstand.

    BUSH: Well, whatever. I probably don't really wanna know anyways. You know what I mean?

    KIM: So, what you need?

    BUSH: Well... [EXTENDED PAUSE]

    KIM: You still there? Hello?

    BUSH: Yeah, I'm here. I'm tryin' to figure out the best way to... well, I'm just gonna go ahead and say it. I need you to pop off one a them nukes.

    KIM: Ha ha.

    BUSH: No, seriously.

    KIM: No, seriously. What you need?

    BUSH: I need you to blow up one of your nukes. Like a test, or something.

    [EXTENDED SILENCE]

    BUSH: Kim Jong?

    KIM: You need me to blow up nuke? Why?

    BUSH: 'Cause I need to get this damn sex scandal off the front pages! I mean, we're like a few feakin' weeks away from the damn election, and I got Republicans who looked the other way while that freak Foley was sending sex e-mails to house pages! Karl figured if we told Hastert to just hang tight, the medias would forget about it, but they ain't! And now, well... man, you should see the freakin' numbers. I mean, when Clinton got it on with that chick in the Oval Office, his numbers stayed steady! I don't freakin' get it. Oh, and the freakin' Democrats are just eatin' this up! Bastards.

    KIM: Well, Clinton got it on with grown woman, right?

    BUSH: What's your point?

    KIM: Well, I don't know about America, but most Koreans see difference between man with grown woman and man with teenage boy.

    BUSH: Well... so you see my point, then. The only way out of this is for you to blast one a them nukes and get everybody's attention kinda refocused a little bit.

    KIM: George W., listen. I can't do that. I blow up nuclear weapon, China be all over my ass like white on rice.

    BUSH: Look, man, I need this one. Bad.

    KIM: Plus, I'm not sure it even work! What if the test is dud?

    BUSH: It don't matter. You're one of the Axis of Evils, remember? You got a Axis of Evil blowin' up a nucular weapon, man, ain't nobody thinkin' about teenage hardbodies and fat, old men no more. And, look, you do it, I'll get Bolton to get some of them sanctions loosened up a little bit. Wouldn't your people over there like a little heatin' oil for the winter?

    KIM: Winter here is a bitch.

    BUSH: Hell yeah, it's a bitch! Why not knock a little bit of the chill off?

    KIM: We get some food, too?

    BUSH: Well, I don't wanna make promises I can't keep, but I'll see what I can do. Maybe get some Vienna Sausages and some Ritz Crackers airdropped into Pong Bong.

    KIM: "Pyongyang."

    BUSH: Whatever. So, what do you say? You my nigga?

    KIM: Okay.

    BUSH: Alright! And listen, you don't screw this up too bad, I might even throw a little roundeye poontang in your direction.

    KIM: Yeah, that be nice. I no see your mother long time.

    BUSH: Ha freakin' ha, buttwipe.

    KIM: Maybe one day you invite me to that so-called ranch in butthole of world, Crawford.

    BUSH: Hey, at least we got indoor plumbin'. Can't say the same for Pang Wang.

    KIM: "Pyongyang."

    BUSH: Whatever.

    [CALL ENDS]
I'll be interested to see if this gets picked up in any of the mainstream outlets.

2 comments:

betmo said...

well- if you weren't on the nsa's list before- you are now :)

UncommonSense said...

I'll send you a postcard from Gitmo.