I just saw a pig fly past my window.
Nancy Grace is covering Latoyia's disappearance. It's the full treatment. Live shots, and everything.
Sarcasm aside, this is an encouraging development. It would not be happening but for the efforts of Richard Cranium, of The All Spin Zone. Well done, Richard.
The latest development is a reward fund. Thank God for the liberal blogosphere.
Thursday, July 28, 2005
Latoyia Figueroa - Day Ten
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Murdered Woman Not Quite Hot Enough to Deserve Justice
BUMBLEFORD, IDAHO- When the mutilated bodies 30-year-old Anita Baath and her unborn daughter washed up on the shores of Lake Homeleigh on Monday, the people of this small resort community demanded justice. However, in the days since the tragic deaths, residents say not much has happened. In their defense, police cite holiday staffing shortages and Mrs. Baath's rather plain features for the lack of progress in the case.
"As it turns out, she's not that hot," said lead investigator Alan Dente. "We're as disappointed as anyone else, believe me. Sure, this one looked great on paper- everybody loves a pregnant victim- but I'm sorry to say that the photos her family supplied just doesn't inspire us. She's no Laci Peterson, I'll tell you that."
At a press conference this morning, Bumbleford police commissioner Michael Rotch promised to launch a relentless manhunt, to pursue the killer or killers to the ends of the earth- or at least until the general public tires of the story in another news cycle or two.
"If she had straighter teeth and maybe a nosejob, then I think we'd be dealing with a nation-wide cry for justice," said Dente. "As it is, though, she's lucky to get what she's getting."
While some outsiders have called for a full department effort, or "red ball," officers point out that the case represents a strain on Bumbleford's tiny police department as it is.
"It's not that she's ugly or anything," said Rotch, "it's just that we've already got other murders to deal with here. We can't go off red-balling every homicide that comes through this office. We have to keep people available just in case somebody really hot gets killed."
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To some this may seem like a confusing, even arbitrary, way to allocate department resources, but authorities insist that there is a logical system behind it all. In fact, The BFPD recently issued a pamphlet for young women offering advice on this very subject. For example, if you feel you're going to be strangled, shot, or drown in the near future, law enforcement experts say it is a good idea to arrange for a package of high quality portraits at Sears or Glamor Shots. Nothing too pouty or vampy, though. Officers say "strong but accessible" works best.
The leaflet even gives potential victims an address to send these photos so they can be on file when the unthinkable comes to pass.
If you really want your murder avenged, there are some other pointers to bear in mind. "It helps to be white and relatively affluent," said Rotch. "Oh, and if you're a dude, forget about it. I'm not that way."
In a late breaking development, Baath's sister Maude uncovered what might be a motive for the murder. She alleges that a handful of phone records and credit card receipts prove that Anita's husband had been having an affair for some time.
However, this bombshell is not as explosive as it might seem according to Dente. "So, he fooled around. Did you get a good look at his wife- before she was brutally murdered, I mean?"
As the day wore on and the disappointed news media began packing up their trucks and moving on to the next high-profile murder, Rotch held one final press conference in a last ditch effort to catch the evil doer.
"In case the killer is listening right now, I'd like to make the standard plea. Hey, if you killed this lady, you should probably come forward and save us all a lot of time and effort- actually you won't save us all that much, but it would be nice anyway."
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